I Am Worth More Than Rubies

It's high noon and high time I shared my personal struggle with self-image, self-worth and self-acceptance.
I think my battle began when I was born. My parents had struggled with self-worth for years, since they were little but I didn't know that until after I'd gone through the same. When I was really young my weight was pretty normal. As a homeschooled kid the second we all got our school done my two sisters and I were out the door or up the stairs to play one of our many games. There was "Life" our personal favorite, pioneer, Narnia and many more. We were always running around our 10acres out in the country playing together. As I approached probably age nine or ten I started gaining weight...or maybe I just gained it all at once, I honestly don't remember how it happened. What I do remember is being much bigger than my best friend. I do remember not fitting into clothes very well. I do remember feeling bloated all the time and I do remember not liking myself.
I don't think people realize how much words really can hurt. Especially when we're young, we don't realize that our tongue is indeed a deadly poison that can spoil the blood of many people. [James 3:8] It was probably my twelfth year on earth when one day as I was playing on the playground with my two best friends, one of them was talking about her neighbor. Apparently he was an annoying thing called a boy and he often came to her house. One day when he went to her house he saw a picture of my friend and I, looking at the picture he said "She could stand to loose a few pounds." I was so mad I could have burst. I was so embarrassed I could have died. And I was so heartbroken I could have cried. I've never forgotten those words. I honestly don't think my friend meant to hurt me by them and I think she may have regretted even saying them. But I think that was one of the biggest moments of my childhood that hurt me so deeply, I began disliking myself. I started to get real obsessed with myself. The next few years I call my butter-ball years. I was very large and...round. it's not like I enjoyed it. I often regretted eating something and engaged in more than my share self-verbal abuse. I didn't like myself and I made sure I knew it. But somehow I could never really say no to food. To working out? That seemed to always find its way to the back of my mind. Granted during this time I was about ten or eleven. I struggled with trying to make myself feel good about myself for around two or three years when finally....I got so fed up with how I looked and felt I just cracked. I started working out all the time. Exercise was my number one priority. Not friends, not family, not school and certainly not God. I HAD to get thin. I HAD to look like the other girls. I remember telling myself "Don't eat that. Exercise, do it for ____." Insert name of my current crush. I thought he would never like me when I look like this. I drank water like it was going out of style and felt guilty a lot because of eating unhealthy stuff. Once I wrote myself a note that said "Just don't eat." When I got a Facebook I continued my self-hate on there. On nearly every picture of myself I said I looked like crap or something was wrong with my appearance. I was so self-absorbed it was ridiculous. It honestly began to annoy people how much I talked about how bad I looked. I was fishing for compliments and I thought I was being sneaky about it. Even when people did compliment me I fought with them that they were the ones who looked good not me. I also put myself down trying to build others up, but really it just made it about me again. I'm not sure when I decided to try not to eat, but somewhere along the way I did. I ate as little as possible but still ate some because I knew my Mama would think something was up. She did notice something was up, she complimented me on my commitment to exercising, and honestly that was every chance I got. I'd randomly go outside and walk around our farm (not a working farm, it's been long out of order). I was constantly compairing myself to my friends, my family and strangers. I always thought they were judging me when in fact...I was judging them. It didn't help that for some reason I believed my oldest sister thought I was disgusting and fat. I continued to workout and eat less and drink water more. And I lost weight I lost a lot of weight. At one time I was down to 125lbs. One day while jean shopping I went into the fitting room and slowly tried on a pair of jeans. When they were pulled up and zipped I wanted to dance and squeal with joy! They were a size five! A size five! And they fit ME! Oh the inch deep happiness I felt. It wouldn't last for long though. Like everyone who has been through similiar issues, it was never enough. I always needed to loose more. I'm not sure when in all this blurry mess it occured but sometime I became very desperate. I had also had friendship issues mixed in with all these other emotions and self-hating. I had gone wrong again and eaten something I shouldn't have, and a lot of it. What to do? I wanted to just undo it. But wait. I could. I'd recently read about how to do it. Just stick your fingers in and wait. It sounded easy enough. But I wouldn't do it again, it was too risky. I went up the stairs, closed the landing door, went up another flight and straight to the bathroom. I closed the door and slowly walked to the toilet. I knelt beside it and told myself I shouldn't do it, but I pushed those red flags out of my mind. I ignored my Jesus desperately trying to call me back to Him and took the plunge. I shoved two fingers in my mouth, trying to get them as far back as possible, it just hurt and made my eyes water. I gagged and gagged but nothing was coming. I stood up, wiped my eyes and went to my room. I promised myself never to do that again. But...desperation everrides all sense and promises. I did try again, at least once more. Nothing ever came up though and I was forced to work off the calories by exercising. The last time I did it, the results were the same. I stuck my fingers in, gagged, nothing came out. Again, I walked to my room. I hid in the corner with my cell phone feeling sorry for myself. {I had become a real expert at how to throw pitty-parties for myself} I texted my best friend and asked what was up. She replied with not much what about with you. I had to tell someone. My pitty and self-hate was too much for myself. So I replied, saying that I'd just tried to make myself throw up. Little did I know that her Mama read her texts and would soon find out too. I pleaded with her to just erase the message but she would get in trouble for that so she couldn't. I begged and begged anyway. She wouldn't budge...I was out of luck. Soon her mama would call my mama and my secret would be out. A day or two later my heart sank as I listened to the phone call from the living room where I was watching tv with my sister, Abi. My heart was racing like never before and I was terrifide. I texted another friend and asked what I should do. She told me to just sit and let my mom talk to me and that she'd be praying for me. So as my mama came into the room I sat on the couch, heart pounding through my chest, palms sweaty and my heart full of fear. We talked for no longer than ten or fifteen minutes and I promised never to do it again. I think she was so shocked she didn't know what else to say and I was glad for that since my sister was sitting on the other side of the Christmas tree hearing the whole thing. (I was just thankful I didn't have to look my sister in the eye) After around five tormented years full of major water drinking, working out, neglecting Jesus and my heart Jesus set me free. The date and time can't be placed since it was more of a process than a fixed time. But slowly and surely my Savior saved me again and again.

I still struggle with my image and confidence but not like I used to, those awful days are over and I try to look to my Lord for my worth now. I will never find it in size five or even size zero, only in Him who made me beautiful and precious. The God who created this beautiful planet and all the wonderful people on it didn't turn around a make an ugly you, He just doesn't know how to make ugly things.

I'd like to write more and more on this subject of worth and self-image and I'd love to hear what you have to say about it all. Please leave me questions and comments (and by comments I mean looong letters that have the name "comment"). Let me pray for you if you are also struggling with anything similar to this, heck let me pray for you no matter what you're struggling with! Remember, if you find your worth in the Lord, you will be worth more than rubies.
Love,
Hannah Dorothy